Saturn Returns and the Year of the Fire Horse

This morning, I peeled myself an orange for breakfast. Specifically, one of the beautiful Cara Cara oranges that a friend gave me at my birthday party last weekend. I’ve just turned 29, and the gift of in-season citrus was genuinely appreciated while we stick it out through this cold Vermont winter.

Peeling an orange feels like an indulgence to me, especially for a Monday morning breakfast. It takes time. I’m meticulous in removing the pith from each slice. My Monday mornings don’t typically afford me such a luxurious breakfast routine. Usually, I’ll put 2 frozen sausages in the microwave for some protein alongside a bowl of cereal or some toast and jam. Maybe, if I’m up earlier than usual, I’ll make oatmeal on the stove.

I committed to eating breakfast every (weekday) morning a few years ago, when I realized I needed to take better care of myself. My morning routine was a neglected part of my day. I tend to be a night owl and late sleeper, possibly related to my ADHD. I often felt nauseous in the mornings, especially when waking up earlier than my natural rhythm preferred. In college, I fell out of the habit of eating in the morning and stuck to coffee as a breakfast of choice. This habit continued into adulthood until I learned more about how protein and fiber in the morning could affect focus and energy. It took awhile, but I found breakfasts that were quick and easy for me to make in the mornings: overnight oats, baked oatmeal, chia pudding, frozen sausages. Optimized for efficiency so I could sleep as much as possible but still get food in my system before I drink my coffee.

This morning, I peeled my orange and cooked my sausage in a pan because I was laid off last Thursday. A quick 1:1 call with my team director and when HR joined, my stomach sank. It was a restructuring, not performance related—the “it’s not you, it’s me” of corporate layoffs. Every trite question people put in their LinkedIn “thought leadership” posts has crossed my mind in the past few days:
Could I have worked harder? Done better?
Should I have been less of a squeaky wheel?
Why wasn’t I good enough?
If I’d just been more efficient/more compliant/more [whatever], maybe they would have kept me.

Is this my fault?

Logically, I know there’s nothing I could have done, and the reality of a layoff is learning to accept the lack of closure (I’m still working on that). The most your leadership can give you is a legally approved phrase that’s so devoid of meaning, you’re left wondering what to believe. I’d been at this company for a year and a half—a B Corp voted one of the best businesses to work for in the state for multiple years running. These coworkers threw me a bridal shower, celebrated my wedding in October and my husband and I buying our first house in December. I never imagined we’d have layoffs and I felt deeply blindsided by the news on Thursday as I was let go along with a group of others at the company.

I closed my laptop, a handful of writing tasks left done halfway, now consigned to the void as IT revoked my access. And then…I laid on my couch and watched Alysa Liu win gold at the Olympics after prioritizing herself and her wellness. Maybe I’m reaching for meaning in the uncertainty, but seeing Alysa reach the top of her sport doing it her way—her music, her outfit, her hair, her alt girl energy, her choreography—is something I’ve come back to a lot in the past few days.

We’ve also entered the Year of the Fire Horse in Chinese zodiac, which represents a time of rapid change and personal growth. I’m also in my first Saturn Return: the time when Saturn returns to the same placement as when you were born, typically between the ages of 27 and 30. This is seen as a time of transition, a time where you’re pushed to find your growth edges. Saturn in Aries demands taking initiative, pushing through change and beginning again. And that doesn’t even touch on the Aquarius eclipse we had over my birthday, which also is a trigger for transition and change.

I saw people joking about the energy the Fire Horse or a Saturn Return could bring, and thought it was funny! Ha ha! And then I got hit with a metaphorical fucking train lol.

I don’t know what my next step is beyond allowing myself to be a lump for a bit this week. I’ve applied to more copywriting jobs. I’ve looked at freelance opportunities. I’ve applied to be a part-time book seller at my local indie bookstore (cause the little English major inside me still dreams of opening my own bookstore one day). I swing from confidently optimistic in my possibilities and skills to crying at the kitchen table, dreading the AI-saturated job market and dehumanizing application processes that I just went through less than 2 years ago.

What I do know is that I’m going to take this time to reconsider where I put my time and energy. I’m relearning how to ice skate. I’m going to attend my local town meeting. I’m learning a new hobby (Magic: the Gathering) and making sure I socialize with friends. I’m going to do my best not to let my anxiety about the layoff keep me from using this time to work on my novel drafts (keep my silly, sad little brain in your thoughts). I’m gonna double down on this newsletter!

Which brings me to my final point: I’m going to leave Substack. Back in 2023, Substack said that they would not “remove or demonitize Nazi content” on the platform. I’m far from the first person to leave because of this, and in fact, I first joined knowing this was an issue—so moving my newsletter off of this platform is an overdue correction on my part. But I joined Substack because they made it easy to create my newsletter when I didn’t have the free time to invest in a platform that would demand more set up. I said I’d build a website eventually, but working full-time kept that at the bottom of my to-do list.

Now that I’ve found myself with a lot of unexpected free time, I plan on actually making that jump—likely using Ghost, so I could publish recipes and other types of content easily.

All that’s to say, I hope you’ll follow me when I move this newsletter. I’ll make sure to send a proper announcement once things are finalized. And I hope you’ll stick with me as I figure out what my path forward is after the upheaval.

XOXO,
Rae